Not everyone is blessed with a good father. Luckily, I didn’t fall into that category. My father was fun…correction…he IS fun. Every adventure, good time, and best memories have been with him. I was born with his spontaneity…its made life interesting and grand to say the least. I wanted to marry someone just like him, as hard as I looked for that, it didn’t happen. Not only did I not marry someone like my father, children have not been in the cards for me either. When I married my husband, I couldn’t wait to meet his daughter; I couldn’t wait to be a stepmom. I figured it was the next best thing to having my own children just like being an auntie is. As family oriented as I am, I was happy to extend it to his daughter. What I learned in my marriage was that not everyone has the same outlook on family as you do. Broken home or not, we all have choices on how we want to live our lives and raise the children in them. Whether we are biological parents or not, we all have something to contribute to the children that are a part of our lives; we are the ones that are suppose to guide and lead them to be good adults.
I was not happy with the relationship my spouse had with his daughter when I married him, none of it made sense to me one bit; it’s inexcusable a parent should not have any contact with their children for years. As much as I stood by him as a supportive wife, something was just not right, nor made sense. I decided to reach out to his daughter’s mother and believe it not, we got along great right away. After all, we were both concerned about the same thing…my stepdaughter. Hearing her version of the story and my loyalty to my husband had put me in a situation I never thought I’d be in. Bottom line, a child was involved, and like I have always said, family is everything. My stepdaughter came into my life at the age of 3 years old. I somehow rebuilt the bridge between her parents; phone calls started happening, pictures were being sent, and even a few Skype sessions took place. Through the years I tried to teach my husband what family was all about; I made sure her father sent cards every minor holiday and gifts every major one. I would remind him daily to call her, to be consistent so she could feel comfortable with his voice; so she could grow up knowing who he was and when the time came for visits, it would help things run even more smoothly.
I’m not going to elaborate on why my step-daughter’s father didn’t step it up as parent; only he knows why it’s been months since he’s made contact with her. But I will say this, it took me going through my divorce to realize that it was my family and I that were doing all of the parenting in his place, meanwhile, he got the credit. So I thought anyway. Being concerned with how I was going to make it financially after parting ways, I took a step back from being a step parent. Sure I kept in contact, it was the extras I took a break from to see if he would continue all I showed him on how to treat his family. All the gifts, cards, and even the phone calls, came to a complete stop. Not everyone gets that blessing to be a parent; it’s hard for me to swallow when someone I care about is a crappy parent, even more so when you’re married to them. But unfortunately, you can’t make someone do something they don’t want to; you can’t force a family bond on anyone.
It was easy to love my step-daughter; if you met her, you’d see why. She is a beautiful child; she’s kind, accepts all walks of life, loves nature and animals, and loves my family and me to no end. Just because I am divorcing her father, doesn’t mean I have to divorce her. What makes our story so unique is that her mother sees the glow she has when she is with us and wants us to remain her family even though I will no longer be married to her father soon. You divorce spouses, not children. Some people may agree with our situation, while others will not. In our eyes, my step-daughter has been blessed with two moms; both strong willed, independent, and with personalities from one extreme to the other. If anything, this will help her to become an open-minded adult and will allow her to experience different cultures. What my step-daughter lacks in having a father figure in her life, she has my family and I to fulfill. I have to say; her mom has done a great job in raising her without a consistent father figure in her life, her little personality displays a constant zest for life.
I am grateful I have a supportive family; they love her just as much. They understand how great my love and bond is with her. When she is with us she learns about her Hispanic roots, the beauty world, big family gatherings, and all that my parents have taught me. I like to think her mom and I are a great example of how things should be in a situation like ours. I think we make a good team and my step-daughter is very happy to continue to communicate with all of us here, her Texas family. I can now say that I officially have a “baby mama” and excited to celebrate my first father’s day. To think all my hard work of trying to salvage their relationship ended with my step-daughter being closer to me than ever and I get to continue to have her be a part of my family is an overjoyed feeling I simply cannot describe. It not only takes a special step-parent to love someone else’s child, it also takes a special bio-parent to accept that love and allow their child to have and enjoy it.
This post is for all the step-parents that have a story similar to ours…Happy Father’s Day to all of you!
{Disclaimer: Image/video are my own and are being used with full permission and parental consent by the legal custodial parent.}
Thursday thoughts are a series to share my random and personal thoughts with my readers so that they well get to know me a bit more. We all have a different outlook on life, feelings, emotions, and sense of humor. My Thursday thoughts series is just for fun, sharing, and to make you think of things yourself.
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I really love the final paragraph of your post, in which you refer to the love and respect of both bio-parent & step-parent. I want more people (parents) to read this so they can learn love and acceptance for the benefit of the children involved.
Thank you for reading. When you love your family, it’s easy to make the relationships work. In my opinion anyway. I appreciate your words. Please feel free to share.