Thursday Thoughts: I am Sorry

When you are divorcing someone narcissistic, they never take responsibility for the bad things they have done to mess up the marriage. All their lies, cheating, and selfishness somehow turn out to be your fault even though you were loyal, supportive and honored your vows.  I was waiting for an apology of some sort…some kind of closure to having my time wasted, my heart ripped into pieces, and for staying and actually trying to help my husband get help with his “problem(s)”. I wanted to feel that even though he chose a different life; all I did for him was appreciated in some way. But no…the harder I tried for my own sanity and peace of mind, the more I got blamed for all that he did. The more I wanted some kind of remorse, the more I was told it would be shown if I had remorse myself. Now that I am no longer angry…I have remorse. After all, me going through a divorce is my fault anyway, remember?

So you see…I am sorry…

I am sorry I believed every word you said about your past that turned out to be a lie.

I am sorry I took a chance on you with keeping my heart safe from being shattered when you murdered it.

I am sorry I wasted 5 years of thinking this marriage was for the long run.

I am sorry I allowed you to come into my home and let you make it yours when you didn’t appreciate it.

I am sorry my family loved you and treated you like blood when you didn’t even care to give them the same treatment.

I am sorry that you can’t have a job without having an affair with someone you work with.

I am sorry that you have the nerve to say I married you for financial gain when all you came with was the clothes on your back and a bunch of skeletons in the closet.

I am sorry I believed that you wanted to be a father and a husband when all along you wanted to cheat.

I am sorry I let you suck the life out of me to the point I lost myself and all I did was worry family and friends.

I am sorry I gave you chance after chance to make things right when all you did was make them worse.

I am sorry I believed that you really cared about your child when you hadn’t even seen her till I reached out to your ex wife.

I am sorry that I was so loyal and trusting of you that it gave you lots of opportunity to communicate with other women.

I am sorry that I supported every decision you made thinking that it was suppose to benefit our life together as a married couple when it only benefited you.

I am sorry I took the time to get to know your family when they could have cared less about me or my family.

I am sorry that I always put myself last to make sure you were happy.

I am sorry that you are addicted to meeting random women online and through craigslist.

I am sorry that I put my dreams on hold to make sure I was a good wife to you.

I am sorry that I was so loyal I was made a fool of numerous times.

I am sorry that I reached out to your ex wife to tell her how much you changed for the good when I was being fooled the entire time.

I am sorry that because of all my hard work on my blog women are finding out you’re married through it.

I am sorry that I showed you what it was like to have a real family with holidays and vacations.

I am sorry that I was always working, blogging, trying to get 2 businesses going just so I could work my schedule around yours to be able to spend more time with you.

I am sorry that paid too much attention to you that you took it for granted.

I am sorry that I was expecting you to be a decent human being and say your were sorry for hurting me.

I am sorry that I thought you may have learned how to love and not be selfish.

And most of all…I am sorry that you get to move on with your life while I stay with all the mess.

Here is my remorse.