Thursday Thoughts: You Never Know Who’s Watching

It’s been over a month since the soon to be ex and I started living in different cities. My family and friends check on me quite a bit to see if I need anything and if I’m ok. I know they worry that because I was married for about 5 years, I’ll probably have sad and lonely days. Naturally, the feeling of loneliness is to be expected when going through a divorce. Every friend of mine that knows what I am going through has said this to me, so when my ex and I parted ways, I kept super busy to avoid feeling lonely. I thought my house was going to feel empty, memories would bring me to tears daily, and I would feel as if my whole world came tumbling down. Especially after all I found out about the double life that was being lived behind my back.

I’ll admit, I had mixed emotions when he left; I had no closure, and though I knew it was for the best, there was always the fear of what if. But as the days went by, the more I have hung out with friends and have been able to do the things I love without the stress of living with a liar, the more I have seen why I don’t feel lonely going through my divorce. In all honesty, I was lonely in my marriage, I can finally admit that now; I was in denial for a very long time because I thought maybe one day my husband would notice me, be interested in who I really was outside of being his entertainer, and be proud of me as his wife. That day never came. This week has been quite interesting for me; it’s like someone released me out of a cage that I had not realized I was in. I think I put myself there; waiting patiently for things to change, to feel wanted and not needed, like I said before, that day never came. I grew up in the home I bought, my childhood memories, love my parents raised us with never left. Through my years of being married, every year that warmth and home feel started to slowly disappear. There were days I couldn’t stand to be home and days I just wanted to sleep till the next day. When you live with someone that constantly lies, cheats, blames you for all that went wrong, and didn’t even care to take responsibilities of their own actions, it sucks the life out of you and all your surroundings till it’s nothing but emptiness.

These past couple of weeks I have met so many new people, connected with those I least expected to, and day by day have seen the bigger much clearer picture of all that has happened in my marriage that has lead me to where I am now. It feels so good to laugh, to spend time with people that really want to know about you, are interested in your passions, enjoys your company, and not just wants bits and pieces of you, but all that you are. I never had that in my marriage; sure we would have a blast at times, but there was never any deep raw conversation between us. I was so wrapped up in trying to really learn all I could about my husband, when I finally did, I realized he wasn’t interested in the same way, I guess he was too consumed with all he had going on in his life outside our marriage.

This week has definitely been one for the books and it has just started. It’s nice to spend time with people that are just as open as you, want to laugh and love life, that have real passions about things, and enjoys simple silly conversation all while admiring how beautiful the sky looked with its moon shining brightly down on us. Not everyone appreciates the beauty of their surroundings or the people that enter their life. When you’re with someone that doesn’t, you become that too. I forgot how good simple honest interaction felt and great it felt to get to know people without them hiding a bunch of skeletons in their closet. All while my husband didn’t pay attention to what he had in front of his face, others were. A blogger friend mentioned my strength in a very personal blog of hers and a client of mine (that has turned into friend) wrote such a beautiful post about how I am bright, positive, and an inspiration. Talk about speechless! And that was just today. All the things that a husband should tell his wife has come from all directions of my life from the people in it, some I least expected it from, too. I am nothing special; I work hard, love hard, and try to be there for as many people as I can. That’s it. To hear the beautiful things that others think about me, some I barely know, is overwhelming. As I go through this drastic life change, I know that I am loved, appreciated, and noticed.  I have never felt more grounded and my home feels better than it use to before my marriage. How can anyone feel alone when everyone in their life is good and encouraging and the only one that wasn’t is now gone? So I guess it’s true…you never know who’s watching you from afar and appreciates things about you that the one that should have didn’t.